Sometimes A Rose Isn't A Rose

A friend from business school Bloomberged me a few days ago to report that his co-workers were discussing odd names. After listening for a while my friend told his co-workers my name, supposedly ending the discussion as nothing more unusual could be found.

As pleased as I am to be remembered and of use to a friend, I'm a little disappointed that a group of smart (by Wall Street standards at least) guys couldn't come up with anything better. Certainly there are more noteworthy names...right? Without resorting to apocryphal, vulgar, or celebrity names here are a few verifiable ones for the next time you find yourself in such a conversation:

Optimus Prime changed his name, potentially lessening its credibility. However, he changed it to the moniker of a Transformer so he gets points for style. Or something.

Espn has been used at least twice.

Yourhighness Morgan is a high school athlete in Florida. (Coincidentally, many years ago during a trip to celebrate my future sister-in-law's 30th birthday, my future wife provided me a wake up call using this title. I think that's when I fell for her.)

Another take on Yourhighness, with some extra weirdness thrown in for good measure.

Finally, in case you want further inspiration for a future child, you may find this book of use. The author is certainly two-thirds of the way to a fine name himself.

Stop The Presses

Do you, like me, find that the so called mainstream press doesn't provide sufficient hobo-related information?

That was a rhetorical question; of course you do.

I'll have further comments on hobos as the weather on the east coast turns colder, but I can't say anything more about that just yet. The real reason for this post is to recommend that you immediately acquire a copy of John Hodgman's important almanac, The Areas of My Expertise, for all your information needs. If you fear papercuts, are illiterate, or just enjoy the quizzical looks of others as you convulse with silent laughter while listening to the audio player of your choice, you can download the audiobook for free from iTunes.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to find a good excuse for audibly chuckling while supposedly listening to a conference call for a semiconductor company. I'm sure I can explain why the call seems to deal more with eels than EBITDA if anyone asks....

Important Jorge Update

The senior administrative assistant on our floor just emailed everyone to gleefully report that "through our generousity $2310 was raised this year."

I am pleased to report that none of it came from me.

Common Sense

If you're the designer of paper packets for salt and pepper you should maybe find a new job if you choose a dark paper with white text for salt and a white paper with dark text for pepper.

Inappropriate Things That Make Me Smile

Brownies for first breakfast at 5:20am




Redneck timeout

Taco Bell's Revenge, written by a friend of Robert

So yesterday I went to the Taco Bell. Waited forty five minutes at the drive-thru before I got my food. Ordered a Fiesta Chicken Taco Salad for $5.50 and two regular tacos. After I drove away with my food I saw that they'd given me a regular taco salad ($2.99) and that one of my tacos had no meat. Also, no utensils or napkins. I was pretty pissed considering I'd just spent my whole lunch hour waiting around to get $3.00 worth of food for $6.00. So I came back to my desk and ate it, because I sure wasn't going to spend another hour there getting it fixed. Got online to their website and wrote them up a courteous complaint, and that was that.

Last night I was riding the bucket about twice every hour until I went to bed. Woke up this morning feeling okay, got in the shower, and all of a sudden we're at Defcon 1 -- imminent danger. Left the shower running and jumped out, no time to dry off. Saddled up and rode that bucket like I stole it. It was awful. Got back in the shower, which was a very good thing seeing as how I needed to go to work today, and eventually made it out to my car. Car's running, I'm getting ready to leave, and then the hammer drops. Defcon 1 again -- imminent danger. Raced back upstairs, dropped trou, and gave that toilet the beating of its life. Just terrible, terrible things. Back in the car and on my way again, thinking I'd have a decent time of it now. Holding steady at Defcon 4 until I hit the Capitol Hill, where I was escalated to Defcon 3 and briefly to Defcon 2. Been sorta bouncing Defcon 3 and 2 the rest of the morning. Just a few minutes ago I thought I was going to Defcon 1, but so far it hasn't reached that point. I tell you I put in a full day's work before I even got here this morning. On the plus side, I've lost about three pounds.

So Taco Bell got the last laugh after all. I gave them six bucks and they gave me $3 in food and hours and hours of gastrointestinal agony.

(I edited this slightly. If the author would like attribution or removal, please contact me.)

A Duane Reade clerk telling me, "Sank you, come again."

What I Saw at Lunch

- A bank teller who refused to give me the paper band holding a bundle of bills together (I was getting one hundred one dollar bills for parking) and instead gave me an envelope too small by half. Why couldn't I have the more convenient paper band?

- A 436 page prospectus. Can you imagine the fun I'm in for this afternoon?

- A large (6'2", 230ish) man in front of me at the Subway sandwich shop who briefly left the line to go get a couple of samples from the deli next door and then ordered two identical foot-long sandwiches. The easy assumption is that he was picking up something for a co-worker, but I'm not so sure. Based on his size, his evident appetite (surely no one needs a few mouthfuls of free panini four minutes prior to lunch), and the fact that the sandwiches were exactly the same do you suppose it's possible that one person intended to consume twenty four inches of mediocre bread, questionable luncheon meats, and stale vegetables?

Career Advice #4

Because I missed yesterday's update (cleaning blood stains from ceiling tiles is a real challenge), we'll be cutting the Career Advice series short at four installments. I know you're heartbroken, but try to pull yourself together.

On the Fourth Day of Christmas, my advice to you: Education matters.

As a high school student in Utah I was told that local schools provided the same quality education as any university in the world. I was also told that my name was not unusual, but we're only focusing on the first falsehood right now. Let me be blunt -- there is a high correlation between the quality of your education and your hire-ability. My post-secondary education represents a wide spectrum of quality: mediocre public university undergraduate, Ivy League MBA. I've been part of the student body at both institutions, observed the relative career developments of graduates, and assessed candidates from both worlds as a recruiter. Anyone who tells you there is not a substantial difference in the quality of graduates from good schools versus everywhere else is either ignorant or a liar.

This is not to say that you must be educated at elite institutions. It does mean you should get the best possible education from the best school that will admit you. It also means that job seekers must be aware of the obstacles they face if their educational experiences are not the best. No one cares if you graduate cum laude if your university is outside the top twenty; I know from experience. If you want to compete at the top levels of business or break into a Wall Street career you're better off being #300 at Penn than #3 at Podunk State. We may not like or agree with this situation, but it is reality.

If you are an LDS parent, particularly one in the western US, don't perpetuate education lies. You're not doing your children any favors by telling them that BYU is a top tier school. And for heavens sake, if you or your children are as stupid as me and end up at the U, start studying for graduate school entrance exams now.

Career Advice #3

Here is the next installment in our Career Advice series.

On the Third Day of Christmas, my advice to you: Have something to add.

When you are asked, "So Suzy, why should we hire you instead of any of the eighteen thousand other qualified candidates for this job?" you must have an actual reason. Hint: everyone is smart, everyone wants the job, everyone will work long hours. If that's all you've got, our conversation is over.

I think this year I'll try an experiment with two hapless candidates who think their hard work and dedication are all it takes. They will be locked in a conference room with one laptop and both be told they have ninety minutes to prepare a deck of PowerPoint slides for different -- but equally essential -- client presentations. The one who emerges alive goes on to the second round of interviews. Alternatively, the first one who agrees to be catheterized and fed an intravenous diet of amphetamines so they never have to leave the desk wins a summer internship.

Career Advice #2

Here is the next installment in our Career Advice series.

On the Second Day of Christmas, my advice to you: Know what you want.

This is the most important -- and most frequently ignored -- advice for those just starting a job search. Forgot about titles, money, or the prestige of different firms. Decide how you want to spend your hours working for the man and then consider what jobs would be appropriate. Last week I had an undergraduate candidate tell me he wanted to be an M&A banker. When asked why, he said he wanted to be close to the stock market and loved working with clients. Thirty seconds after I reminded him that first year analysts are spreadsheet monkeys with no market impact who are deliberately kept away from clients he admitted he really didn't know what he wanted. To be fair, he was talking with me specifically to learn more about different Wall Street roles so this wasn’t a problem. When it's time to step up and make a case for why you should get a specific job, you'd better have conviction about your reasons. The best way to get that conviction is by choosing a job that will provide what you really want.

A friend of mine hates his job. That's not surprising in this business, but I care in his case because I helped hire him in 2004. While he's done great work, the position was never quite right for him, largely because he didn't know exactly what he was looking for. The job changed a little (in the wrong direction) and now he's miserable. The unfortunate part is that another offer he was considering in '04 would have given him more of what he probably wanted even if it wouldn't have been quite so good for his ego. To paraphrase the Cheshire Cat, "If you don't know where you want to get to, at least get out of my way you irritating pack of tourists. Manhattan sidewalks are crowded enough already."

Career Advice

As the ramping up of recruiting season coincides with the holiday season, I'd like to provide a little gift to job seekers this week. To support the Twelve Days of Christmas, consider these Five Days of Advice. If you want to work on Wall Street the following may be useful. If you're trying to get me to help you in some way with that goal, they are essential.

On the First Day of Christmas, my advice to you: Don't lie.

A few years ago an overly eager but otherwise seemingly normal candidate pulled every trick, connection, and favor he could to get me to help him earn an offer as a summer associate. Really wanted to work in the public securities market. Said that my employer was his top choice. I helped him where I could and it turned out that another division of my bank made him an offer. He declined, taking an offer from a competitor to do work totally unrelated to public securities. Two lies in one. He called me mid-summer to say that things weren't going so well and he was afraid that he wouldn't get a full-time offer from the other bank (he didn't). The people in the other division at my bank weren't returning his calls for some reason apparently beyond his comprehension. He asked if I could help. I explained why his calls weren't being returned and why I couldn't help him. Fool me once, shame on you; try to fool me twice I kick you in the head. He's now homeless and sells unshelled pistachios in Tucson.

If It Ain't Broke....

it's probably not in our house.

After more than five years of looking, our family found the house we wanted last fall. We had a very specific set of criteria: plenty of interior space, big yard, Rye Neck schools. We wanted to find something that was under priced because it needed work. Our first two homes required remodeling and we can do most of it ourselves, so a project house was just what we were after.

So far the following have broken:
- clothes dryer (washing machine broke just before closing, so we got a brand new free)
- multiple pieces of facing from the kitchen cabinets
- stove (three days before Thanksgiving)
- playroom door (literally fell off into my arms)
- sliding door in laundry room
- one kitchen drawer
- several gutters and downspouts
- two mirrors

This list excludes the leaks, comically uneven floors, and drafty doors you can't avoid in a 158-year old house. If it ever really snows this winter, I expect the garage will collapse.

It's a great house.

Earning My Brown Belt in Blogging Nerddom

I'll be spending most of next week at a conference listening to companies make presentations to investors. I just enabled email posting on Delicious Animals because:

1) I sometimes get a little bored by hour seven of each day, and
2) I am very eager to provide a Christmas gift to the blogosphere this week and may have to do some of it remotely.

So, this is my test run of the email posting system. If it works I think I become a level fourteen geek.