I Found The Source...

...of the swine flu:

Too soon? I'm never a good judge of when enough time has passed to make tragedy into acceptable comedy.

At least it amused me, so that's nice.

Good News / Bad News

Good news: 48% of Americans feel they pay about the right level of federal income tax.

Yay!

Bad news: more than 43% of Americans pay no federal income tax or are net recipients of government largesse.

Oh...whoops.

Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini

I have spent more time than any reasonable person ever should wondering how I'd adapt to various situations of preposterous improbability:

• Right arm lost to wood chipper; how quickly can I learn to write with my left? (I spent afternoons in the fall of one year in high school splitting and delivering cords of firewood.)
• Falsely accused of horrific crime by tyrannical regime; how do I prove my innocence? (Okay, this one is frighteningly possible in the current world. Might be worth updating my plans.)
• Accosted by determined, nymphomaniacal beauty; can I maintain my standards and teach her the law of chastity? (This was an adolescent boy scenario and let's be honest -- it didn't always end with gospel instruction.)
• Zombie apocalypse; fight or flee?
• Receive large amount of money that must be put to work in a single day; how do I optimize investments in such a short time?
• Travel back in time alone; can I use my knowledge of history, chemistry, physics, etc to ensure survival and possibly be named supreme ruler for life?

For most of these hypotheticals, there is no right or wrong answer. Obviously you have to fight the zombies because they just keep coming. But for the rest, these are really exercises in critical thinking, event-driven analysis, and justification for why my homework was illegible.

Thankfully, a new shirt addresses the last situation. I'm ordering two dozen so I will always have a clean one available. You just never know...

I Still Say SmartNoise Is A Better Name

When Madame Delicious and I visited France, one company's advertising campaign was a source of consistent amusement. In train terminals, on the underground, and on signs around Paris were ads like this:

We kept asking ourselves what kind of person would find "Wall Street English" an attractive learning method. Who exactly seeks new vulgarities and monosyllabic insults as the cornerstone of a language program? Do phrases like "offer two fifty last sale" and "earnings before interest, depreciation, and taxes" have broad applicability in the real world? Who approved such a silly campaign and which suckers were falling for it?

Answer: Enough people to justify a $145 million all-cash business transaction.